Blog Posts

God & Billy love you just the way you are, but there's more...

5/14/2015

Billy Joel earned a Grammy for best song of the year when he wrote “Just the Way You Are” in 1977. In the lyrics he proclaims his undying love and begs his lover to never change. He wrote the song for his first wife, Elizabeth Weber. The relationship ended up in divorce. Hmmm, love without change doesn’t seem to be true love.

It has been said that God loves you just the way you are, AND that God loves you too much to let you stay that way. This is much closer to the reality of true love than the Billy Joel version. Loving a person the way he is AND expecting ongoing change in the relationship are not contradictions. Wise and caring couples do both. But how?

When couples develop a mutual agreement to share all of their thoughts, reflections, hopes, dreams, disappointments, and everything else in the context of deep respect and care, they both feel loved and honored in the moment and challenged in a hopeful way to keep growing. These couples have much satisfaction with their relationships while sustaining a peaceful excitement about the wonders they still have yet to discover. It’s like saying, “I love this relationship and I can’t wait for what’s next!”

Is this what you want more of in your relationship? I’d love to talk to you about that. Explore our coaching options for information about how you can get more of this built into your love relationship.

Are you making life more difficult than it has to be?

4/28/2015

Do you ever wonder if the things you've always believed are actually true? Here are some examples of beliefs you might want to question...

"If I make THAT mistake, I'm unforgivable."
"I can get things done, but I'll never be one of the greats."
"I just don't have the right look."
"If I don't do it, it won't get done."
"You can't teach an old dog new tricks."
"My sister was the smart one. I just don't have that gift."
"I'll never be organized."

We absorb beliefs such as these early in life. They may even work well for us during childhood, but they are holding us back as adults. In coaching, we call them gremlins... the little voices that were given to us. They don't belong to us. There's a deeper voice within calling you to rise above these limiting beliefs and become the person you were born to be. Let's talk about how to silence the gremlins so that you can listen to and be guided by your true self.

Yes! You are Needy.

4/21/2015

Okay, so the title is a bit misleading, but now that I have your attention... it's true... you have needs! If anyone ever tells you that she doesn't need anything, ask her to hold her breath for ten minutes. The need for air will soon become her highest concern and will drive every aspect of her thinking and behavior.

That's what needs do. They drive us. Our need for food drives us to eat. Our need for companionship drives us to join and meet. Our need for love drives us to risk and become vulnerable.

What happens when we don't admit our needs or are unaware of them? They don't go away. They can't go away... they are needs, not just wants, after all! When we don't acknowledge our needs, they continue to drive us, but they drive us in unattractive ways. For example, if I'm not aware of my need for admiration, that need will drive me to get admiration in just about any way I can. I'll become the guy who annoyingly boasts of my accomplishments as I fish for compliments the size of whales. But, if I am aware of my need for admiration, I can develop healthy strategies to fulfill the need in appropriate ways such as excelling at something and enjoying the unsolicited comments of those who notice. I can tame the need as I get back into the driver's seat of my life.

Coaching can clarify your needs and give you methods for getting them met in attractive and deeply satisfying ways. And when your needs are met, life can blossom in unexpected ways! Let's talk.

5 Keys to Happiness

3/23/2015

Harvard University researchers spent 75 years studying a group of men trying to discover what makes men happy. There has never been a longitudinal study that has covered this much time with this much depth. The study, called the Grant Study of Adult Development, produced five key findings:

1. Love is the strongest key to happiness. Without loving relationships, nothing else has the power to make a person happy. Work on healthy relationship skills

2. Loving your career is more important than the money you make or the power you have. Find a career that makes you happy, then figure out how you will make money at it.

3. Don’t give up on your pursuit of happiness. Even if you aren’t happy, you can become happy if you work at building strong relationship skills and finding love. Some of the people in the study who started life in terrible circumstances ended up being among the happiest because they never gave up on searching for love.

4. Connection is a key to happiness. Develop deeper connections, or new connections, with your family members, your neighbors, your co-workers, your church, your civic community, etc. The more connected you are, the more love you will experience and the happier you’ll be.

5. Overcoming challenges builds happiness. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Don’t complain about your problems; rather, find ways to get help to deal with your problems. Your connections will help you be resourceful and that is a key to improving loving relationships... the #1 key to happiness!

So, start working on your happiness by building your relationships or pursuing your passion. Never give up and stay connected. If you're feeling stuck or if you want to work on clarifying your life's passion, contact us at Coaching to Connect. We would be honored to travel the journey to happiness with you!

Simple Solution for Churches & Other Communities

2/3/2015

This is so simple, it's almost ridiculous to have to say it...
1. Strong churches and communities are built from strong families.
2. Strong families are built from strong marriages.
3. Draw your conclusions here: ____________________________

Churches and communities spend lots of time and money repairing and dressing up their walls, windows and roofs while their foundations are crumbling. Marriage, however you define it, is foundational to social progress. Let's get serious about helping people get married with the skills they need to stay married. Here's an idea: CLICK

And for those who are already married and need a boost, here's another idea: CLICK

Couple Time Matters... Yes... the Quantity too!

1/29/2015

There are many marriage experts who recommend that couples spend lots of one-on-one time together. Several experts have documented that fifteen (15) hours per week is the right goal for couple time if you really want your marriage to thrive. Don't put your marriage at risk by investing too much time in things that take you away from this essential one-on-one time with your spouse. While you spend time together, make sure you are doing things that enrich both of you. The time is important, but it is also important to use the the time wisely... do things you both enjoy. Talk respectfully to each other. Listen closely to each other. Touch each other lovingly. If you're not sure what to do for your spouse, ask him/her... your spouse knows. Finally, build in a system for success... once per week, ask each other, "How will we spend our grand 15 this week?" Map it out and follow through.

Cheating & Divorce

1/27/2015

Does an extra-marital affair directly cause a couple to divorce? Not likely... 70 to 80 percent of divorced persons studied in the Divorce Mediation Project (Gigy & Kelly) said that their marriages failed for a wide variety of reasons, but cheating was not among them. Only 20 to 27 percent said that an affair was even partly to blame. What kinds of things will send you down the road to divorce? Here's a list, but it essentially comes down to an "I don't care" approach to your spouse...

Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt/Judging each other/A superior attitude
Refusal to dialogue
Resistance to time alone with your spouse, i.e. dates
Angry outbursts without repair attempts or reconciliation
When spouses aren't friends
Negative experiences in the relationship are equal to or slightly more frequent than positive experiences
Conversations feel more like lectures than quests for understanding

The good news is that you can turn this around. Explore our marriage resources and our coaching services for more information.

Shifting

1/20/2015

What would happen in your marriage or in another key relationship if you approached it this way?

"If, deep inside ourselves, and in our approach to others, we replace knowing with finding out, answers with questions, winning or loosing with sharing, inequality with equality, power with respect and reverence, and proving points with exploring possibilities and listening, then I think we really could change ourselves and our world."

Danah Zohar

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Author:
Jim Merhaut, M.S.Ed., P.C.C.

Jim is the founder and director of Coaching to Connect. He has three decades of experience in organizational and relationship work including coaching, consulting, non-profit CEO, program director, project manager, teacher, author and more. Jim holds a Master of Science degree in Education from Duquesne University with an emphasis in Adult Formation.

God & Billy love you just the way you are, but there's more...

Are you making life more difficult than it has to be?

Yes! You are Needy.

5 Keys to Happiness

Simple Solution for Churches & Other Communities

Couple Time Matters... Yes... the Quantity too!

Cheating & Divorce

Shifting

Author:
Jim Merhaut, M.S.Ed., P.C.C.

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Author:Jim Merhaut, M.S.Ed., P.C.C.

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Author:
Jim Merhaut, M.S.Ed., P.C.C.